Breast Cancer awareness month is fast approaching. After my introduction to this in such a personal way last year, this year is shaping up to be even busier with speaking engagements.

Here’s one to kick start October;

Women In Tourism Events

I’ve been holding off getting in the water, but that has been the one thing I’ve wanted to do, been aiming for through each of the 5 surgeries – to be stitched up and well enough to get in.

It’s not the swimming so much (although I would love to do a few laps), but just to be submerged in the water. To let my body feel light, supported and pain free – even if just for a few minutes. Ohhh, how badly I miss that feeling.

So, in a moment of madness I pulled on the togs (which aren’t nearly as flattering-a-cut as they were) and made my way to an indoor heated pool.

I was prepared this time for the crushing, constricting feeling across my chest. Or at least I thought I was.

In I slid. I froze, perhaps with fear. A big deep breath and as I submerged under the surface a wave of shock saw tears come from nowhere almost the second my face hit the water (not a very workable combination!)

Some people say some funny things. They’re not always meant to be funny though.

After explaining to a new acquaintance what had happened with ‘the boobs’, she was interested in seeing the end result. After the obligatory warnings – I lifted my shirt. As I did this lady exclaimed “a lot of girls would die for boobs like that!”

A close friend who was with us (and shall remain nameless, in order to protect the other lady’s identity), looked at me, we both paused and stared. She finally broke the silence by saying what we both were thinking “….well, she could have”.

We laughed, but the other lady nearly ‘died from embarrassment’.

For the moment my exercise routine is a bit hit and miss. I jump on the bike (still on the wind trainer..), or treadmill when time and energy permits.

Taking Ch’i for a walk, walking up to the farmers markets and doing a little gentle Tai Chi rounds out my efforts at this point in time.

I’m very keen to get rid of these couple of kilos (actually it’s not the weight, it’s the horrible, unfamiliar shape I’m wanting to alter), but am not prepared (just yet) to go back to the gym or pilates where I may inadvertently cause stretching or damage to the reconstructed area.

I would also love to go for a swim, however I’ve promised not to for a while, until everything is settled. Anyway – it was 5 degrees this morning and indoor heated pools here on the Coast are few and far between (I say indoor because I’d freeze getting in and out of an outdoor pool!).

I swear I can feel my chest muscles seize up and make me highly uncomfortable when I get really cold. It’s quite a shock to the system and most unpleasant. Just on that, my doctor recently told me of a patient who’d had an augmentation with silicone implants and complained that when she went skiing in Aspen (as you do…), they froze solid. No kidding.

(Looks like my lifelong dream of going to Antarctica might now have to include an auto-heat bra or vest, or maybe I could seek out a sponsorship deal with a thermal company!)

I’ll keep this post short and sweet.

One of the very simple lessons I’ve learnt from this BC experience is;

Read into that what you will, but that’s it.

Going back to work this time was just as daunting, but in reality – not quite as scary.

I was nervous about having the stamina to get through a full day (which meant I didn’t sleep well the night before, which in turn made me more tired!), but managed okay. My second day back was a little more difficult physically, so I kept up regular pain relief and had a coffee or two more than I usually do.

Everyone seemed genuinely happy to have me back in the building and was very supportive. Clearly, these colleagues of mine have plenty of experience in dealing with people undergoing treatment for/as a result of cancer.

Day three, I was excited to be really getting back into it. But as I dressed for work, things changed very quickly. Showered, hair and make-up done, I pull on some suit pants only to discover I couldn’t do up the zip. Instantly my eyes filled with tears. No matter how hard I tried they wouldn’t stop. I know I’ve put on weight but not being able to get my pants done up! It was all too much. I went into a spin about what to wear, tried something else, looked in the mirror and howled. I don’t feel like my old self and now I don’t recognise myself.

As I study my reflection, see the tear-stained cheeks, odd-looking chest and extra padding around my middle and legs I feel angry. Then sad. Then annoyed at now potentially being late for work.

Yeah, I’m fine.

So when you hear me say I’ve ‘had a moment’, it’s probably something as silly as this.