So..

I’m feeling not-so-sick, but am still pretty tired. At times I’d love to jump in for a long, slow swim (my body would thank me for it – I know…), at others getting through the day-to-day washing, dinner + a bit of light exercise like a walk/bike ride (not on the road!) is enough.

Some nights I sleep like a log, others – I absolutely fit the label ‘insomniac’.

As I prepare to return to work later this week there’s a lot going on in this busy little mind. In no specific order – here are some of the things which occupy my thoughts;

• What can/should I be doing to stop it coming back?
• What sort of monitoring regime should I submit to?
• How the hell do I get used to this?
• I got all sentimental yesterday when buying, of all things – a beautiful aromatherapy candle. It was called ‘Little Black Dress’. I fell in love with the fragrance and hoped that one day I would once again pull on a ‘LBD’ and feel good.
• Should we stay in this house (which is beautiful, but full of some rather painful memories. And – the stairs!)
• What about heading back up the Mountain? It’s so special…quiet, peaceful and I’m sure the environment is healing..But, could I handle the driving (even if only a few days a week)?
• I love ‘doing’ new places, is a reno close to home a new challenge I’d enjoy?
• Study..Ohhh study…I’ve been investigating taking up everything from Health Sciences to MBBS. Sure I’ve got the desire – genuinely, but have I got the stamina and intellect?
• My career. All that hard work, which brought both immense satisfaction and damaging stress. Gone. I walked away.
• What will become of the relationships which have changed so dramatically as a result of this experience? Why do I sometimes feel a bit, well – left behind? Note to self – think of all the new and wonderful people in your life, and some of the experiences shared as a result of this diagnosis.
• Taking a break. Would a weekend/week on my own, or longer break for both Paul and I be of benefit? (Nothing like trying to run away..)
• On that – should I/we be seeking some sort of counselling/assistance in helping with the impact of this cancer/adjustment/new life?

Will life ever be the same again?

Guess not huh, but that brings me back to that old saying repeated time and time again by my dear Mum ‘everything happens for a reason’. I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding the reason for this, but am not quite there yet.

Geez we hear that a lot now.

This is a little strange coming from someone who revels in sharing with people, being surrounded by other people – but I admit I’ve felt the need for a bit of ‘me time’ to varying degrees, a fair bit over the past 12 months.

Although my previous life (as in the radio world +very active social scene) was full, there was actually a lot of flying solo. Usually the only other people awake when I went to work at 2.30am were cops, ambos, cabbies and the bakers! I had no contact with anyone for the first couple of hours of my day, before the majority of my work was conducted in a studio with only a few other people and over the phone. I then went home and slept for the remainder of the day!

Being in busy waiting rooms and hospitals, having not just one person but several attend to my medical needs and also being awake for the daylight hours has been quite a turnaround for me!

I’ve read cancer patients say ‘you really get the chance to know yourself when diagnosed with a potentially life threatening illness’, I agree. Perhaps that’s why on occasion I crave an escape, to get to know me – as I am now. (Or maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time laid up I want to get out of the house!) Just me (and maybe Ch’i…), to let my mind sift through some of the challenges I’ve faced lately.

At times I find myself staring into space – thinking a million thoughts. I know meditation is to clear your mind of thoughts, but this is like a busy meditation, time to just think.

Initially I thought these feelings were completely selfish, but am now looking at things in a different way. This is for me to do, no one else can feel like I do about this ‘journey’, so allowing myself that time and space is not selfish in a taking way, but rather a healthy fulfilling way.

Me time.

Yes! Really – just to be feeling a bit more human is a simple pleasure.

I think the main thing is I’m not dealing with constant pain now, just discomfort if I’ve slept in an awkward position or a jabbing/pulling sort of ‘ouch’ if I reach at a bad angle/too high for something.

I’ve had a big week (and yes, there has been the old ‘nanna naps’ most afternoons). Managing almost everything around the house on my own, even wearing a pullover top (!) and…..going for my first drive since the latest surgery.

Basic on some level, but very important.

The driving hasn’t been as much of a challenge this time around, as I’ve only been off the road for a month. I’m really good on the main roads (’cause they’re usually straight!), am negotiating corners without too much drama, but parking (particularly reverse parking – which is usually my preference), requires a lot of effort.

Slowly but surely.

Okay – it might be whale migration season here on the Gold Coast, but I found myself joking with a friend earlier in the week that it’s me feeling like one of those giants of the deep.

Three weeks of eating whenever I’m hungry, lying/sitting around and restricted movement (doing laps of the kitchen & going up & down the stairs doesn’t really count!).

I’m feeling like going for a walk – even doing Tai Chi to take a bit of the edge off, but to be honest just don’t feel overly strong.

So….Baby steps. Walking to the corner and back, then around the block and I’m happy to say this morning I trudged a few km’s before enjoying a long hot shower. Footnote – I then curled up in bed and slept for three hours!!

Guess swimming at the Masters Games later in the year is a rather ambitious goal at this point. Still, even 50mtrs would qualify as taking part! Watch me!!

Geez, I’d love to go for a swim….(must wait at least another fortnight though…)

The breast cancer vaccine is great news — for mice – Times Online

Possible vaccine for breast cancer found by Cleveland Clinic doctor

My nipples. Yes, both of them.

No I haven’t had them reconstructed, but try telling my brain that they ever disappeared into the little dish for the pathologist.

Dr D has explained the concept of ‘phantom nipple pain’, to be much like amputees who’ve lost a finger/hand/arm/foot/leg etc.

Immediately after the mastectomies my brain was absolutely certain my left nipple was still there. I experienced an intense, red hot poker kind of pain, very specific to where my nipple used to be. Even after the explanation that the nerves (angry at being cut) were still registering pain and my brain just wasn’t processing it all yet – I still had to peek inside my top to get a visual. Yep – gone! Definitely not there!

As my family will attest – these little episodes left me in stitches (okay bad pun, even after the stitches had dissolved I was still laughing!) at the strange sensation. It was only the left one though, never the right.

Until now. For some unknown reason, my right nipple (well, as far as my brain is concerned) has decided to make a comeback after this last surgery.

Weird. But funny.

We all know there are a multitude of research projects underway in laboratories around the world – ultimately a vaccine and cure for breast cancer is what many of them are aiming to achieve.

Just for a second – can you imagine the impact? HUGE.

Researchers must have reached some significant milestones before the media is interested in reporting on their work and there’s a lot of hype surrounding some work being done in the US.

An American team has spent the past eight years working on a potential vaccine for breast cancer and are documenting promising results in tests on animals. The next step is human trials.

While Doctors here are warning caution – that there’s years more research to be done and a long way to go before this could become common medical practice, it’s still something to hold out hope for.

I’ll post some links you may be interested in checking out.

I’ve just had my second follow-up appointment since the last op 12 days ago.

Andrea ever-so-professionally changed the dressings as we waited for Dr D to arrive.

I haven’t mentioned this on the blog yet as I’ve been trying to ignore it, but there’s a bit of rippling at the top of my left side, towards the centre. To me, it’s obvious. Today – it was to Dr D as well.

Again, he was visibly disappointed and admitted to being so. I am a bit too, but know now that’s he’s done everything he can to get these ‘boobs’ looking as good as possible. While there’s nothing that can be done surgically, he suggested that if it’s still obvious in a year or so I might consider going to see a Plastic Surgeon to talk about having some sort of filler injected.

We reasoned that this surgery was still worth it though – he’s achieved two of the main objectives; positioning the implants in closer thus giving me a bit of my body shape (as far as my torso goes) back, and making that big line across the top of my left side less visible.

So, after discussing pain relief, wound dressings, the big bra, driving, swimming etc. it came time to set the next appointment. I won’t go back for 3-6 months.

Heading back out into the world again (and slipping past a waiting room full of patients), my attempts to say thank you for all of his efforts and the girls for theirs just didn’t seem enough!

Definitely a few bottles of red owed I think.