It’s become apparent I’ve entered the ‘transition phase’.

No longer am I attending appointments with Dr’s etc. on a very regular basis, no longer am I being poked and prodded, needled and taped. Now – it’s back to life as normal. Just gotta sort out what’s ‘normal’!

Apart from getting on with the day-to-day side of things, there’s actually a fair bit to work through. On speaking to people with cancer, who’ve had cancer, who’ve looked after people as they negotiate their way through ‘cancerworld‘, I’ve discovered I’m fitting the classic mould of being a bit ‘lost’. There’s a kind of hole, that above mentioned care and care-givers once filled.

You undoubtedly become attached to those who are just doing their jobs looking after you. That emotional investment is huge. It’s trust, it’s confidence and belief that you’ll make it through just fine because you’re in the best hands. Rather than feeling scared or anxious at each appointment – I actually felt safe.

Now I’m ‘out the other side’, it’s almost as if that safety net has been taken away. (I do know it hasn’t though. I’m reassured at every turn that help is available should I need it!)

As I get my head around what’s happened, how my body has changed and ultimately how my life has changed through this experience I plan to continue writing. There are so many people I’ve met on this journey who have enriched my life very much. I hope to share more about them on this blog.

It’s six weeks since my reconstruction and things are as they should be. I’m still wearing the post-op bra day and night for support. Under the tape – the scars are healing well, that burning pain where the internal stitches were has eased and I’m moving about more freely. The only pain I experience now is when I’ve stretched out too far to reach something, picked up something too heavy or ended up sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Although I can’t feel most of my chest area, feeling is starting to return down my sides and underneath, where the bottom of the bra finishes.

My muscles feel pretty weak, my overall fitness has definitely declined and while I’m trying to get it back by going on walks or doing a few kays on the stationary bike – I’m frustrated at how much that relatively light exercise is taking out of me. Having a nap each day isn’t always a choice – sometimes Paul & I’ll be chatting and he ends up having a conversation with himself!

My appointment with Dr D yesterday was a bit emotional. We ticked off all the important boxes, but spent a bit of time discussing the big picture. It’s obvious my head is now catching up with what the body’s been through.

I’d really like to say how thrilled I am with the ‘new set’ etc. but, I’m not. Pardon me for seeming rude. I’m happy enough – just not jumping for joy. Those who’ve been following my story know how grateful I am, so please don’t take any of this the wrong way. I’m not excited about my ‘breasts’. Let’s be clear – they are, as Dr D promised, the closest he could get to a natural breast mound. The implants are being accepted by my body, are sitting well and look perfectly fine with clothes on.

The reality for me now is to adjust. As I look in the mirror (being thankful for the incredible effort so many people have made to get me to this point), the scars and new shape is a big change to my body. What I must acknowledge is that change = I don’t have cancer. I guess coming to terms with that will probably start to happen now I’m out the other side of treatment.

My greatest fear is that the dreaded C will come back in either the minimal breast tissue I still have, or somewhere else. I don’t intend to let that fear dictate how I live my life from hereon in.

Dr D encouraged me to gradually get back into everything – including swimming! I’m tempted to get in and go crazy (especially seeing as we’re now in the warmer months!), but have promised I’ll be sensible. By that I mean I’ll take it easy for 4-6 months before beginning training for the Masters Games next October. Wont that be a great way to celebrate? For now, my celebration will be to just lay back and enjoy being surrounded by the water.

Making informed decisions has been so important throughout these past seven months and quite obviously – knowledge is key.

Now I’m through all the big stuff, I’m viewing some of the information through different eyes.

As you know, my diagnosis was DCIS – not the standard ‘invasive’ breast cancer and at times I’ve found it a bit hard to explain (& I’m sure some of you have been left scratching your heads!)

The following link provides what I think is a really comprehensive look at DCIS – everything from symptoms to diagnosis, treatment and follow-up.

As it explains clearly – there are many factors to consider. The ones that had a real impact on my course of treatment were;

• Age – 31 (crucial point -under 35 or 40)
• Location – Multifocal
• Grade – Intermediate
• Hormone Receptor Status – Oestrogen positive
• Sentinel Node Biopsy result – no involvement of lymph nodes

It also touches on phantom breast pain. So as you read with amusement – have a laugh at my getting used to the fact there are no nipples, when my body is screaming the left one is still there!

breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/dcis/

Here’s another one;

nbocc.org.au/breast-cancer/about-breast-cancer/what-is-ductal-carcinoma-in-situ-dcis

As far as the big picture goes – I know there are some women I’ve met on my journey who have been on/are currently on a similar ride. So, I thought I’d also include links to some other websites I have found helpful and I’m sure you will too.

To those on the support side – there’s a wealth of information for you to digest as well. One area I’d like to highlight is under the ‘My Directory’ tab at The Warwick Foundation.

mcgrathfoundation.org.au

nbocc.org.au

nbcf.org.au

bcna.org.au

cancerqld.org.au

thewarwickfoundation.org.au

Happy browsing!

Perhaps this will one day make the whole mastectomy & reconstruction experience less traumatic for the thousands of women who have to go through it because of cancer.

Scientists to trial breast regrowth Technology Telstra BigPond News and Weather

Seems in my excitement at the fact the last surgery was finally here, I’d failed to remember what my body was about to go through again. Other survivors I’ve come to know all felt the same – excitement and pure relief to get to this stage.

I’ve come out of the past three anaesthetics really well and had no reason to think this would be any different. For some reason though – it has been. I’m now eight days out and still feeling drugged up to my eyeballs. I’m not – the pain is easing and I’m not taking as much pain relief as you might think, however my system feels clogged, I feel like a wreck and am just giving into it rather than fighting to get back on my feet asap.

The pain this time has been quite different. It’s very specific, in fact I reckon I could draw a line where the internal stitches are located! After getting back to everyday activities after the mastectomy, it’s hard to have such a limited range of movement again. There’s difficulty showering, dressing, eating (especially if it involves cutting up a nice steak!) and I’m just kind of hurting a bit.

Good thing it’ll pass. Even better this is the last one.

Joking about the new set being ‘under construction’ has actually provided a perfect analogy;

• Bilateral lumpectomy/building inspection with removal of suspicious looking ‘timber’
• Pathology/report showed termites
• Clearance of margins/removal of dangerous looking materials
• Bilateral Mastectomy/internal demolition to remove any trace of ‘nasties’
• Insertion of Tissue Expanders/new flooring and framework
• Silicone Implants/wall cladding, ceiling & carpets

All that’s left now is to decide whether I need nipples/tattooing (fancy front door maybe?), then go on a little shopping spree to take care of the decorating. Lacy bras rather than paintings and vases!

In spite of the fact that physically I feel, well – not so great, this is bloody exciting!

Sure – it’s early days and I’ve got a new ‘set’ to be thrilled about at some point, but here are the things I noticed in the first 24-48hrs post-surgery;

• No sloshing!! Seriously. What a relief!
• I can put my arms down by my side (without them sticking out around the expanders, or as Paul says ‘looking like Arnie’.)
• The implants are soft (but not squishy or sloshy), with no hard ridges around the outside or metal chamber somewhere at the top.
• The implants are shaped like boobs, rather than saucer-sized hot-water bottles. As such, I have a very feminine ‘curve’ at the top of my chest – as opposed to looking like a chest full of ribs.

Ohhh..I’m worn out just thinking about the changes.

Like a lot of women – I’m partial to a bit of window shopping and when something really takes my fancy, splurging (within reason) on whatever that may be.

The ‘shopping’ experience I’ve just had was rather unusual though – selecting the implants which will soon shape my new breasts.

While some mastectomy patients I’ve spoken to have been tempted to go and pick a set of ‘Pammy’s’ – that certainly isn’t the situation in my case.

Guided by my surgeon and breast care nurse, we decided on a ‘nice little C-Cup’.

The process of selection involved assessing my frame, discussing the implants volume (around 480 mills), shape (height, width & depth/projection. Ohh and we’re going for ‘teardrop’ rather than the old round ones) and their texture.

Initially it was expected Dr D would remove the tissue expanders and insert the implants by making another incision through the same scars. Unfortunately though, there’s not a lot of tissue between my skin and the expanders and it’s a bit too thin. So – he’ll be taking the safer option of starting from scratch underneath.

Reckon I’ve just scored myself another nickname – ‘quattro’.

I’m not overly thrilled at having an additional two scars underneath, but obviously none of this is about cosmetics! I’m also a bit disappointed at myself for not taking better care of the original scars (I looked after them – but maybe could have done more.) Although I taped the scars before going to the pool/gym – in hindsight I may have decided not to attempt so much.

It’s amazing how much all this can play on your mind. I was really tired last night, yet didn’t get much sleep. Bring on Monday!